I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
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My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises