Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
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15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
My safe word is Worcestershire
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.