My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
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Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Pretty much. 🤣
💻🤡
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
He’s cranky this morning
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.