Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
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Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics