You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
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Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I am HOWLING at this
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Noted.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.