Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
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how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
called in thicc to work this morning
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot