Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
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[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
My dad teaching me to drive
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics