My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
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[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.