You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
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Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.