Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
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Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?