I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
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“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”