Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
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Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Need WebMD
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO