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I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Why are bridges so flammable.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”