If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
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My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
The internet is full of many things
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao