Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
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therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants