My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
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my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank