No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
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If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.