I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
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Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
mmm onion ringos
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom