Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
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This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.