me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
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Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
#merica
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles