[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
You Might Also Like
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I put the hot in psychotic.