I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
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Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.