Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
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Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application