Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
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“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know