Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
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Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
@ candidates for local office
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.