Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
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if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on