*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
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[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”