Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
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a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
it’s the silliest best thing
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?