I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
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My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
What
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires