*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
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INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
need a new bf mines broken 😐
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.