“No, it’s not me” 馃槀馃拃
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I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
[at a restaurant]
Her: I鈥檓 going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I鈥檓 just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn鈥檛 correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you鈥檇 just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can鈥檛 remember her birthday
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Sex so good you see dead people.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
dad: where do you think you鈥檙e going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
her: we鈥檙e engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn鈥檛 ask me first
me: you鈥檙e not really my type
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in