[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
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My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
As the Lord intended
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around