“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
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My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.