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At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.