Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
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Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
This could’ve been an email.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted