“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
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t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
found this cool rock hiking today
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.