Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
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Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.