mentally somewhere in italy
You Might Also Like
Velcrow
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.