him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
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wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.