[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
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You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.