Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
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[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
😜
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.