Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
You Might Also Like
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
This kid is going places
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained