It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
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My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
*mops up wine with cat*
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
When I laugh on my period
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]