Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
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baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁