[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
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Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
i- i did not expect this
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
#titanic
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
That’s classic.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.