The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
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Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
the simulation is moving too fast
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I needed a laugh this morning.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.