[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
You Might Also Like
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Wednesday
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Ape together strong
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Mornin
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.