Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
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I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off