*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
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I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
I hate it when I鈥檓 at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It鈥檒l turn green again.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i鈥檓 trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Movies didn鈥檛 prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they鈥檇 all have a job.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Oh how the tables have turned Linda鈥ave fun getting out now! 馃槒馃槀馃惗
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.