Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
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*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
And that about sums it up.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
the three branches of government
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
are they though??
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
guilty
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats